I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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