just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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