Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
