I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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