you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Sober January is a disaster.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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