he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
