He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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