I puked a lego.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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