I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
