Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
