I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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