The maid of honor just puked.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
