I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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