My friends, they love my intelligence
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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