What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
