We won't sleep together?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
