It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
