Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
