her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
