I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
