You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
What a dumb baby whore.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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