Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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