Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
