just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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