He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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