Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
