im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
