I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
