you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
