Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
