I think I won the penis lottery.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
