Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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