i may or may not be watching the land before time
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
