2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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