Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
