I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
