is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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