gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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