so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
