I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
