we're chasing vodka with high fives
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
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Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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