i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
