Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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