My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
