My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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