I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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