He asked me if I "almost moaned"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
