yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
