I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
