It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
