Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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