Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
