Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
