There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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