Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
