you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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