Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize