so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
