If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
