were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
