My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I love you.
Bad choice
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
