wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
