Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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