I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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